Alright, so here's the deal. Tomorrow night on every network (CBS, NBC, FOX, ABC) the Stand Up to Cancer telethon is taking place. Now, if ever there was a telethon to watch, this is the one to watch. Sure, you could watch any of the Jerry Lewis telethons and just wait patiently until he says something that makes it worth it (like how he'd smack Lindsay Lohan in the face.) But Stand Up to Cancer has something going for it that Jerry Lewis doesn't: a buttload of celebrities.
Seriously, have you all seen the line up? If you haven't, peep this: (yeah, I don't know why I went there either, but whatever)
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Tatyana Ali, Dave Annable, Christina Applegate, Lance Armstrong, David Boreanaz, Abigail Breslin, Cindy Crawford, Fran Drescher, Elizabeth Edwards, Donald Faison, Sally Field, Derek Fisher, Michael C. Hall, Alyson Hannigan, Tony Hawk, Jon Heder, Marg Helgenberger, Terrence Howard, Ken Jeong, Rashida Jones, Minka Kelly, Laura Linney, Zachary Levi, Ray Liotta, Seth MacFarlane, Mandy Moore, Apolo Anton Ohno, Dr. Mehmet Oz, Jim Parsons, Aubrey Plaza, Dr. Ana Maria Polo, Yarel Ramos, Naya Rivera, Robin Roberts, Seth Rogen, The Simpsons, Eric Stonestreet, Marcia Strassman, Alison Sweeney, Maura Tierney, Gabrielle Union, Sofia Vassilieva, Sofia Vergara, Marissa Jaret Winokur, Reese Witherspoon, Elizabeth Banks, Kathy Bates, Sir Richard Branson, Michael Chiklis, George Clooney, Baron Davis, Emily Deschanel, Bill Hader, Dorothy Hamill, Anne Heche, Cheryl Hines, Randy Jackson, George Karl, Dr. Jon Lapook, Rob Lowe, Jane Lynch, Marlee Matlin, Shareen Mitchell, Olivia Munn, Lisa Niemi, Kelly Osbourne, Gwyneth Paltrow, Matt Passmore, Will Smith, Sam Trammell, Denzel Washington, Aaron Yoo and Renée Zellweger.
This poses a giant problem for me. You see, I've got to support Motivators Breast Cancer Awareness Team and my money clearly has to go to that charity before it goes to other ones. In fact, I'm fairly certain, I'd get shanked if I donated elsewhere first. But Stand Up to Cancer is so tempting. They have Zachary Levi...they have Jane Lynch...they have Ken Jeong...they have (insert dreamy sigh here) David Boreanaz.
Dangling Zachary Levi & David Boreanaz in front of me for one of the most worthy causes on the planet? Just take my paycheck now, Stand Up to Cancer. I mean, really. Yes, it's just a telethon and there's no gaurantee that I'll speak to any of the celebrities that I want to, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to try. Alot. We're talking abusing the weekend minutes on my cell phone thing here. And then that makes me nervous, because if the call does get picked up by say, Dr. Oz, I'm still going to donate. So then what do I do? Do I keep trying? I'm envisioning cancer charity related bankruptcy come Saturday morning. That got me to thinking, how could I prevent others from my fate.
Here's my deal. If you guys don't to talk to the celebrities you want to, it's okay. Just donate to Team Motivators and then I (or another fine promotional consultant) will call you and IMPERSONATE a celebrity! Right now your options for fake celebrity imitations are limited but I'm sure once I let everyone know that've agreed to do this, we'll have more options.
- For example, we're all LonG Islanderrrrrs. That means we can easily imitate Fran Descher. Sometimes we don't even try, it just happens.
- Anthony Zuaro, who many of you may know as @MotivatorsTV on Twitter can do Desmond from Lost, so that's something, right?
- And how hard can it be to impersonate Randy Jackson? "Aight, dawg, check it out. Yo, man, I'm really happy you donated to Motivators, baby. It's aight." See, I got that DOWN.
- Seth MacFarlane voices like 9 billion different characters on TV. I'm sure someone here can do at least one of them. And if we can't, we'll just do something and tell you it's a Seth MacFarlane character and you'll believe us, because really who knows the difference anymore?
Just to be clear, I'm not saying don't Stand Up To Cancer tomorrow night because I will participating & I think you all should too. I'm just saying, if you don't get through to talk to your celebrity of choice, just donate to Motivators Team at the American Cancer Society and we'll give you a primo celebrity-esque experience. And if you donate to yours truly, you may get a Silly Band. If that isn't just cause to donate, I don't know what is!